did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
