I'm lost and stupid without you.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
a search helicopter?!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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