3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
