Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
