my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize