You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
