Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
