2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
