I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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