I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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