and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
