I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
