mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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