He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
