i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
