Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She bit a glass in half.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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