You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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