I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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