I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
