I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
