i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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