He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
