Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Less talking, more tequila
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
