She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
time to smoke my breakfast
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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