Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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