I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
