you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
