i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
