I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You need Xanax blowdarts
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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