why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
