The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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