that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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