I didn't shave. On purpose
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
