umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
