We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
