Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
