if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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