meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
