I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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