I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
