i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
