the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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