i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
