i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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