So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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