i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
