There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
