Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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