i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
