Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
