you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
