i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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