It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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