Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
