HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
