Swine flu. Run for my life!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
