Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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